More Sympathy Gifts"Pre-Loss Bereavement" and the Power of Bargaining
by Moira Anderson Allen, M.Ed.
There is a stage of grief that one hears very little, if anything, about. It's the hidden stage, a stage that friends and family may have difficulty understanding. It's a stage when people are most likely to ask why you are grieving -- because your pet hasn't even died yet!
It's the stage I call "pre-loss bereavement." It begins when you realize, with absolutely no wiggle-room for argument, that your pet is going to die. You don't know when, but you know loss is coming. It may not even be coming soon; your pet may have weeks, months, even a year or more of life ahead. But you know that you have reached "the beginning of the end."
It may begin with a diagnosis of a final, incurable disease or condition. When an older cat is diagnosed with borderline kidney failure, for example, you know that you may be able to take steps to manage the problem and keep "full failure" at bay for a time-- but you're never going to be able to accomplish a "cure." Or, it may begin when you look at your pet with "newly opened eyes," and notice changes in its health or condition that have been taking place slowly over time. When a pet gradually loses weight, for example, it's easy to overlook subtle, ongoing changes to its appearance, because you never see a sudden, dramatic alteration. Then, one day, you look at your pet and realize that you can see every rib, every bump of its spine.
Whatever the trigger, pre-loss bereavement begins when you realize not just intellectually, but emotionally, that you are going to lose your pet. It is something you have always "known," from the day you brought your pet home -- but now it is not simply known, but FELT, deeply, keenly, painfully. Now, you may find yourself in something of a "pet loss limbo" -- you begin to grieve the loss that is coming, but there is no "closure" to your grief. You can't "get over it" because the loss hasn't actually happened yet. And you know that things are only going to get worse before they get better.
This is the period in which you are likely to experience all the classic Kubler-Ross "stages" of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.
This is the period in which you are likely to experience all the classic Kubler-Ross "stages" of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. Denial may have preceded this stage, vanishing like a toxic bubble the day you accept and acknowledge the diagnosis or changes in your pet -- or, it may resurface from time to time, as you try to convince yourself that your pet's condition isn't really THAT bad. Anger can come at odd times -- when, for example, you think you are taking your pet to the vet for the last time, and manage to psyche yourself up to make the most painful decision, only to have an unexpected "reprieve." Yes, of course you are glad to bring your pet home again -- but you may feel a twinge of irrational anger at having had to go through all that for "nothing", only to have to go through it again. Depression comes and goes as you contemplate a future without your pet. But the most common reaction to this stage is likely to be bargaining -- bargaining with your pet, your vet, yourself, or your higher power for ANYTHING that will extend (or improve) the life of your pet.
