The latter was the case for Kristy Davis and her dad. When Kristy’s terminally ill mother was discharged from the hospital and admitted to home hospice care, Kristy and her dad responded to the emotionally charged situation by staying busy. When the going got tough, they went shopping.

Shopping for an answer
Kristy’s dad purchased and upgraded gadgets and systems around the house to provide comfort and make life easier for his wife and her caregivers. When Kristy was besieged by feelings of sadness and helplessness over her mother’s suffering, she set up a laptop at her mom’s beside, “just in case she wanted to do any typing.”

In the days following her mother’s death, Kristy and her dad jumped into action planning the funeral. They purchased and configured components for their computer and sound systems, as well as an LCD projector to show the PowerPoint presentation created by Kristy’s sister for the funeral.

Even after the funeral, the shopping spree continued. Eventually Kristy realized that the buying and busy-ness were merely ways to avoid confronting the tremendous loss she and her father shared. When the money for electronic toys ran out, Kristy and her dad were forced to find another way to bond.

What now?
Their conversations were awkward, but they spent time together on long drives and over meals. Eventually they began to communicate via email, and they talked about the sorrow and loss they shared. Kristy’s dad, a retired Air Force colonel, was even able to tell his daughter of his enduring and unconditional love for her for the very first time.

The experience of Kristy and her dad isn’t unique – grief is hard work, and humans often rely on one or more defense mechanisms to help them get through. But in the end, as Kristy and her dad discovered, the only way out of grief is to go through it, and sharing helps to light the way.