Desperate as humans are to find a reason for the catastrophe, some cried out to God, while others blamed God’s vengeance for the disaster. Faith shaken, some shook their fists toward Heaven: “You’re supposed to be a just and loving God! Why didn’t you save these poor people from such catastrophe? How can you stand by and do nothing while your people suffer so?”

Finding God in Tragedy

Grief is like that. When you’ve been blindsided by the loss of a loved one, the faith that has sustained you all your life may suddenly seem elusive…out of reach. Where is God in your suffering? You’ve cried and prayed and tried to bargain with God, but you hear nothing in response. Instead, you’re left in the darkness with your pain, and you don’t know where to turn. You may even wonder, against all logic, whether something you did (or didn’t do) caused this tragedy.

In regard to Haiti, Christian leader and author Jim Wallis reminds us that “God is suffering in the midst of the evil with those who are suffering. Throughout the Scripture, we find a picture of a God who is with the people, even in their darkest hours.” And to those who would blame tragedy – global or personal – on God’s retribution for human failings, Wallis has this to say:

The God I serve, the God of the Bible, does not cause evil. God is not a vengeful and retributive being, waiting to strike us down. Evil happens, whether at the hands of corrupt people or because the earth shifts along a fault line and the world rumbles.

The same holds true for those who suffer on a more personal level.

Reconciling with God

If you feel like God has deserted you; if you’re angry that God allowed this to happen, you’re not alone. Faith may seem to vanish into thin air, and anger with God is common in the wake of a devastating personal loss. Remember – even Jesus cried out in the garden: “My God, my God! Why have you forsaken me?”

Although you may not feel it or believe it now, God was, is, and will continue to be with you as you work through your grief and make way for healing. Feelings of anger and despair are a normal part of grieving, and so is directing those feelings toward God. Just try to remember that, no matter what religion you embrace, God, by definition, knows all…sees the past, present, and future…is bigger than and beyond our human understanding. That definition of God sustained you before your loved one died, and it’s true today. Although your loss has shaken your world and changed your life forever, God has not changed.

Open the Door to Healing

Try – just try – to trust that God is with you in your suffering, and leave the door open for reconciliation. For now, allow yourself to be angry with God. Don’t censor yourself or allow yourself to spiral into a guilt trip. Like any relationship, your relationship with God is bound to hit some rough patches, and this is one of them. So go ahead, be angry, but don’t stop praying. Let your prayers be an outpouring of your heart and soul. God can take it.

When you pray, tell God what you need. Pray for healing, rest, and peace. Pray for others who need God’s healing touch. Pray for the people in Haiti, who have suffered so much already, and now face a bleak and uncertain future.

Next, stop and watch and listen for answers from God. Don’t expect them immediately, but try to stay alert to signs that God has heard your prayer. Be aware that those answers may come in ways you never thought of – a good, sound sleep after several restless nights; a beautiful day, bright with sunshine, to warm your soul; a kind act or tender word from a caring friend. Perhaps you’ll encounter someone who needs your help, taking your mind off your own problems at least for a while. God speaks to us in many ways.

Although you may feel abandoned, be assured that God is with you always. Continue to reach out to God, and you will feel the Divine Presence again. In the meantime, keep your mind and heart open to the goodness in life, and watch God’s love begin to heal.

How Does God Speak to You?

Did you lose faith after your loved one died? How did you find God again? What advice or encouragement can you offer to those who still suffer?

And then there are end-of-life issues like euthanasia, assisted suicide, and the right to die. While there are some differences in the meanings of these terms, they are all about what can done to end pain and suffering when human life is drawing to an end. Should people have the right to end their own lives when they are suffering from painful and debilitating illnesses for which there are no cures? Should a medical professional be allowed to end a patient’s life, at the patient’s request, when the patient is unable to do so for himself? And what about discontinuing life support when to do so will surely hasten death?

Clarifying Terms

Talking about end-of-life issues demands a common understanding of end-of-life terms and their sometimes subtle differences. For purposes of this discussion,

Euthanasia is the act of ending the life of a human or animal in a painless manner. Because it is generally intended to end suffering, euthanasia is sometimes referred to as mercy killing.

Assisted suicide is the act of providing an individual with the means (drugs or equipment) to end his or her own life. Assisted suicide is distinguished from euthanasia in that the patient is the one who performs the action that ultimately leads to death, whereas in euthanasia, a medical profession or other party performs that action.

“Do Not Resuscitate (DNR)” is a medical term that directs medical professionals to refrain from performing cardiopulmonary resuscitation (CPR) should a patient stop breathing or his heart stop beating. You can stipulate DNR in an advance directive, or you can ask your doctor to write a DNR order on your medical chart.

“Right to die” is an umbrella term, encompassing everything from overt acts like euthanasia and assisted suicide to more passive actions, such as DNR orders, withholding food or water, or ending artificial life support, even when doing so will mean certain death.

The Right-to-Die Debate: Point and Counter Point

People who support an individual’s right to die see the issue as a matter of individual liberty and compassion.  Those who are opposed to allowing people to make their own decisions regarding the time and manner of their death express concern that allowing euthanasia or assisted suicide will lead to wholesale disregard for life.

Currently, euthanasia is outlawed in most of the U.S. Only three states have passed legislation to allow assisted suicide: Montana, Oregon, and Washington. In those states, some right-to-die proponents, like Scott Mendelson, M.D. in his opinion piece It Is Time to Grant the Right to Die, describe a paradox that is seen in some terminally ill patients. Knowing that they have the right and the means to decide the timing and circumstances of their death, some patients stop short of taking the final action, and instead find the strength to hang on a little longer.

Although there are concerns that right-to-die legislation may lead to abuses, the three states that allow assisted suicide have built rigorous safeguards into their laws. In Oregon, for example, assisted suicide is legal ONLY if all of the following are true.

• Two doctors have certified that the patient has six months or less to live.
• The patient has made at least three requests – two verbal and one written – asking the doctor for a lethal dose of medication.
• A 15-day waiting period is observed before the lethal prescription is filled.
• The patient must take the drug himself; the prescribing doctor may not administer the drug.

With such precautions in place, the debate is primarily a religious one. Those who oppose any human action to hasten death often do so on the basis that God and God alone has dominion over such matters, but many good people on the other side of the argument, far from being God-less, simply have a different understanding of God.

As for alleviating suffering, many who argue against the right to die claim that the wonders of modern medicine have yielded more than adequate methods to relieve pain, and certainly great strides have been made in the field of pain control. Those who support assisted suicide, on the other hand, point out that medication can’t always eliminate a patient’s pain and agitation, and that administering mega doses of pain medication in an attempt to comfort the patient may actually lead to death as a secondary effect.

Only one thing is certain in the right-to-die debate: the debate is far from over.

What Do You Think?

Most people have strong views on euthanasia, assisted suicide and the right to die. What do you think? Should terminally ill people be allowed to end their own lives? What are the beliefs, values, and experiences that have helped to form your views?

If this is your first time delivering a eulogy, you many wonder where and how to begin. Even if you’ve eulogized another friend or family member in the past, you can probably use a refresher on how to approach, write, organize, and deliver your tribute. Naturally, you want to do a good job; you want to tell everyone at the funeral or memorial service about your friend and the qualities that made him a unique and wonderful person.

What Is a Eulogy?

A eulogy is simply a speech that honors the memory of one who died. Typically delivered at a memorial service or funeral, each eulogy is as unique as the person it is written for. The eulogy may be long or short, somber or joyous. Depending on the circumstances, the eulogy might contain one or more of the following:

• a brief life history of the deceased.
• a list of notable achievements.
• mentions of family members and friends.
• insightful or humorous (but always tasteful) anecdotes about the deceased.

poems, songs, and literary or scriptural quotes that were favorites of the deceased or help to build the story of who she was.

Writing the Eulogy

Before you begin to write, talk to other friends, family members, and coworkers to gather historical information as well as personal reflections and memories. You’ll probably want to include some basic information, such as dates of birth, death, marriage, and other important life events.

Next, set aside some time to reflect on the task before you. Make sure you have comfortable seating and lighting, maybe a glass of wine and some background music – in other words, set the stage for creativity. Gather your thoughts, along with photographs, letters from the deceased, or other mementoes to inspire you.

When you begin to write, let your thoughts and feelings flow. If they come too quickly, just jot down bullet points or draft an outline to capture what’s on your mind and in your heart. Don’t concern yourself at this point with how your words sound or whether they’re structure appropriately. You’ll have time to edit and polish later.

Writing in your own voice, otherwise known as a conversational tone, will give your eulogy greater impact than a stiff, formal speech. In addition to the facts you’ve gathered, talk about your relationship with the deceased – memories of times you spent together, stories that illustrate some of her most endearing qualities, and the things about her you will miss most. Don’t be afraid to use humor, as long as it’s done in good taste. Do not, however, talk about anything that may cause embarrassment or discomfort for the family or other mourners. When in doubt, err on the side of caution.

Above all, write from your heart to engage your audience. Your honest and sincere reflections are what they’ll appreciate and remember – not your writing or speaking expertise.

Once you’ve drafted your eulogy, it’s time to edit and polish. Read through the text to make sure it flows, and delete any wording that is unnecessary, superfluous, or irrelevant. Next, read it out loud. If possible, have someone listen as you read and then offer honest feedback. Alternatively, read the eulogy into a voice recorder and listen thoughtfully to the playback.

Revise the eulogy according to the feedback you receive, and then practice reading it aloud a few more times. When you feel comfortable with the message and your delivery, you’re finished writing.

Delivering the Eulogy

Before the funeral or memorial service, print copies of the eulogy to give to family and close friends. Rereading your message in the coming days and weeks will be a great source of comfort.

Your delivery copy should be in a large font for easy reading. Make sure you have a glass of water and a box of tissues at hand. As you begin, speak slowly, remember to breathe, and try to make eye contact with your audience. Introduce yourself and explain your relationship to the deceased.

If you begin to cry, don’t be embarrassed. Just pause, breathe deeply, take a sip of water, and dry your tears before you proceed. Everyone will understand.

Final Thoughts

Delivering a eulogy is a special gift to the family and friends of the deceased. If you’ve delivered a eulogy, or if you’ve listened to an especially moving eulogy, think about what worked…and what didn’t. Do you have some suggestions to help others?

Still, armed with a little knowledge, faithfully carrying out your duties as executor is a wonderful way to honor your loved one’s memory. Before you assume the role of executor and begin carrying out your duties, however, here are two important questions you should ask yourself:

1. Do you want the job? Serving as executor is a big job. If you believe that you’re unable do the job for any reason, you can file a document to inform the court that you respectfully decline. If your loved one made a will, he or she probably named an alternate executor; if there is no will, or if the will does not name an alternate, the court will appoint one.

2. Do you need to hire an attorney? It depends on the complexity of the estate. If you are the spouse of the deceased and the main beneficiary, you may be able to settle matters without going to the expense of hiring an attorney. You’ll have to complete and file a lot of paperwork, but the probate court clerk can assist you, and you can also enlist the help of a trusted friend.

If the estate is more complicated, if anyone is contesting the will, or if the guardianship of young children will be decided, it’s probably best to hire an attorney. In addition to making sure everything is done according to the law, an estate attorney can perform most of the functions of the executor. All you will have to do is sign off on court documents and pay the attorney with estate funds.

Avoiding Common Errors

When you’ve accepted the role of executor and are ready to carry out your duties, take a few minutes to review these common errors. Being alert to these pitfalls can save a lot of time, money, and headaches down the road. Here are the steps you should take to avoid costly errors:

• Don’t pay any estate expenses from your own funds. Unless you are the spouse of the deceased, you are not responsible for payment of the deceased’s personal bills. Payments on those bills should be made from estate funds only. Furthermore, estate taxes are assessed on the estate’s value after any debts have been paid. If the deceased’s debts are not paid from estate funds, the net value of the estate will be artificially inflated; the estate will be assessed a higher tax bill, and your share of the inheritance will be less. Instead, open a separate checking account in the name of the estate to cover estate expenses, including legal fees, funeral expenses and taxes.
• Do perform a thorough search for estate assets. The executor must create an exhaustive list of estate property: cash, real estate, automobiles and other vehicles, stocks, bonds, insurance policies. If any assets are discovered after the estate has been settled, probate must be reopened – and no one wants that! Having the deceased’s mail forwarded to your address can help you discover previously unknown assets when you receive statements for the deceased’s accounts.
• Do file tax returns. As of this writing (2010), the federal estate tax has been repealed, but it is scheduled to retrigger in 2011, with an exemption of $1 million and a tax rate of 50%. State estate tax laws vary from state to state; check with the probate court clerk or your attorney to learn about the laws in your state. Even if the estate is exempt from estate taxes, however, filing a final federal income tax return on behalf of the deceased is one of your duties as executor, and if the estate earns more than $600 during probate (e.g., stock dividends, interest, etc.), you must file an income return for the estate.

Executor Duties

The probate court clerk will provide you with a complete list of your duties as an executor, including:

• Obtain multiple copies of the death certificate, which you’ll need when you notify employers, pension plan, life insurance company, etc. of the deceased’s death.
• Locate and organize important papers, beginning with the will and including items like stock certificates, trust documents, and life insurance policies.
• Complete the paperwork to open probate in probate court.
• Notify beneficiaries named in the will, and notify the deceased’s post office, utilities, banks, and creditors of the death.
• Complete an inventory of personal belongings. Have items of value appraised.
• Ask the deceased’s employer about unpaid salary, insurance, and other benefits the estate may be entitled to.
• Apply for the Social Security “death benefit,” along with veterans, fraternal, or other benefits the estate may be entitled to.

Share Your Thoughts

Do you have any other tips from your experience as estate executor? Please share them in a comment to help others.

If your loved one died due to the willful or careless act of another human being – as in a drunk driving accident, a murder, or a medical mishap, for example – you might feel angry toward the responsible party. Likewise, if death occurred as a result of self-induced harm, such as drug or alcohol abuse or suicide, you may feel angry at your loved one. In such cases, anger is certainly understandable.

But what if you are angry at God? “Angry at God?” you might think. “But I love God!” People who deny their anger because they believe it is wrong or sinful often react in this manner, only to find that denying their anger doesn’t work.

What Anger Is – And What It Isn’t

Anger, in itself, is neither right nor wrong; it is simply a fact. It has nothing to do with logic; you don’t need a reason to be angry. Anger is a complex emotion, secondary to another, primary, emotion. In other words, you might respond with anger when you are hurt, frightened, or threatened. It’s easy to understand, then, how the pain of grief can give rise to anger.

Anger is not hate. Most of us have experienced anger toward someone we love, and being angry with God is no different – it’s a temporary situation, and it doesn’t mean you love your spouse, your best friend, or God any less. Neither should anger be confused with violent or vengeful action. In other words, acting out in anger may be sinful, but the feeling of anger itself is not.

Anger Toward God

To believers, faith is about pursuing a deeper, more personal relationship with God. Like all relationships, this one requires emotional honesty. Rather than indicating a lack of faith or respect, feeling anger toward God is a normal reaction to your hurt and sadness.

How could God allow this to happen to me? Where is God’s love, power, compassion? Is this really God’s will? These questions and others may signal that anger toward God is festering. And, as in human relationships, that anger is poison to your relationship.

Here are five simple steps you can take to ease your anger and ultimately banish it. Keep in mind, however, that “simple” isn’t the same as “easy”; confronting and dealing with your anger may be one of the most difficult and courageous things you’ve done in your life.

1. Acknowledge and accept your anger as normal. As long as you deny your anger, you cannot begin to deal with it. As long as you are in denial, you might continue to attend church or say your bedtime prayers, but the cold wall of anger may prevent you from reaping the rewards of a deep, personal relationship with the God of your understanding.
2. Don’t limit God. Do you really think God can’t handle your anger? You’ve probably known people who dissolved into tears, threw things, or even stopped speaking to you following an angry confrontation. But God isn’t like that. By definition, God is bigger than we are – more loving, more compassionate, more forgiving.  With all our faults and failings, we are God’s creation, and God loves us as we are.
3. Express your feelings honestly in prayer. Feelings are neither good nor bad – they are merely facts. Denying your feelings because they aren’t “nice” will only stand in the way of your relationship with God. In his laws for successful prayer, Martin Luther’s number one rule was “Don’t lie to God.” God already knows what you feel, and while you might be able to fool others or even fool yourself, you can’t fool God. Stand naked before God in prayer, and reveal the secrets of your heart. Speak your anger, and feel it subside. God understands.
4. Trust God. This one may be the hardest, given the magnitude of your grief. No one ever said faith was easy, and this may be the biggest test your faith has endured. Try to keep in mind that although your understanding is limited to your own experience, God knows the whole, big picture. Look for– times in your life when you thought your world was collapsing around you, yet you survived and even thrived in aftermath. Trust God to carry you through this tragedy as well.
5. Let go. Held inside, anger will rule your life – manipulating and limiting you and taking a toll on your health. When you express anger toward God, you make room for God’s love and peace to fill your soul. In time, you’ll begin to realize that it’s time to let go. Your anger, once a defense against your pain, no longer serves any useful purpose. You’ve opened the door to healing by sharing your anger with God, and now it’s time to move on.

Talking About Your Anger

Expressing anger is the best way to ease its hold on you. Have you felt angry toward God or others following the death of a loved one? How did you work through it?

- Rose Kennedy, 1890-1995

Witnessing a loved one’s death due to a progressive illness is a heart-wrenching experience. In some ways, it’s like the clock stopped when you heard the terrible news – time seems to stand still as you go through each day with this huge, dark cloud hanging over your head. On the other hand, time flies much too quickly while you savor each remaining moment with the one who will be taken from you all too soon.

When the end finally comes, your sorrow may be accompanied by a sense of relief. You take comfort in the fact that your loved one is no longer suffering, and your shock is tempered by the fact that you’ve been trying to prepare for this day for a long time. You began the work of processing your grief the moment you learned about your loved one’s illness, and now you try to believe that you’ll feel better…in time.

Death Without Warning

But what happens when you have no time to prepare? What happens when you’re blindsided by a sudden tragedy…when your loved one dies as the result of an accident, a suicide, or in an act of violence? One minute everything is “normal,” and the next moment your life has changed forever.

Grief counselors have a name for the mind-numbing, earth-shattering grief that follows a sudden, tragic death. Traumatic grief describes a severe bereavement that some experts have likened to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Car or plane accidents, natural disasters, and murder are some examples of deaths that may leave survivors with traumatic grief.

Signs of Traumatic Grief

The signs of traumatic grief are essentially the same as those of any grief. The main difference with traumatic grief is that these signs and symptoms may seem magnified or intensified. For example,

• Shock – If your loved one died as the result of a sudden or senseless tragedy, the shock may leave dazed, confused, and vulnerable. In the case of traumatic grief, the shock may also take longer to subside.
• Anger – When a traumatic death occurs, grief-stricken survivors may feel deep, raging anger toward the person they deem responsible for the death, such as a drunk driver or a murderer. If your loved one died as the result of an accident or natural anger, you may feel angry toward God.
• Guilt – You’ve probably heard of survivor guilt, wherein survivors of a mass tragedy feel guilty because they escaped with their lives while others didn’t. If your loved one died suddenly, you may also feel guilty because of unresolved conflicts with the deceased.
• Depression – After a traumatic death, you may find yourself plagued with thoughts about the event that took your loved one’s life. What were her final moments like? What was she thinking and feeling? Perhaps you see no hope for the future. Such thoughts are normal, but if they persist or become obsessive, you may be sliding from grief into depression. If this sounds familiar, call your doctor. Depression is a serious illness, and your doctor has treatments to help you.
• Anxiety – Losing a loved one in a sudden violent or traumatic event shakes one’s sense of security to the core. Survivors may become hyper-aware of life’s fleeting nature, and thus afraid to take risks or even go about their daily business.

Time Alone Can’t Heal, but Healing Does Take Time

When a loved one’s traumatic death shakes your world, time alone won’t heal. Healing will come in time, however, as the sheer intensity of your shock and sorrow eases. Until then, do everything you can to take care of yourself by resting, eating well, and seeking the help and support of others.

Rose Kennedy lost a son in war, a daughter in a plane crash, and two sons in political assassinations. As the matriarch of one of America’s most prominent families, she suffered in the glare of the public eye. Although few of us can begin to imagine the enormity of her suffering, too many of us have known the pain of traumatic grief.

If you’ve lost a loved one in a sudden or violent tragedy, please feel free to share your thoughts and feelings here. Sharing your story may help to ease your pain, and you may be able to help someone who is suffering their own traumatic grief.

Common legend has it that the earliest wakes served a very practical purpose, as mourners kept watch by the corpse to observe for signs of life. There may or may not be a degree of truth to this story, but it certainly has no bearing on today’s wakes, as we can readily and precisely determine whether or not death has occurred by more scientific means. Still, the tradition of the wake lives on.

Traditional Irish Wake

In many minds, the term “wake” conjures images of a legendary Irish wake, where friends and relatives gathered in the family home, amid keening and drinking, tears and laughter, to view the corpse and pay respects. Women washed the body of the deceased and laid it out on a bed or a table, covered in white linen. Lighted candles were placed around the body, along with clay pipes and tobacco, whose smoke was said to ward off evil spirits.

While some families still observe the traditional Irish wake, the modern wake is more of a hybrid of religious practice and social custom.

Awash in Emotion

A funeral wake is an emotional occasion, perhaps even more so than the funeral itself. Most of the guests at a wake had a personal relationship with the deceased, and each will grieve that loss in his or her own way. For those who were closest to the deceased in life, the wake is usually the first time after the death that they will see the other important people in their lives. Seeing one’s own pain reflected in the eyes of another tends to unleash a mighty tide of emotion.

In many families, a wake becomes a cacophony of sounds, with hushed tones, heaving sobs, and peals of laughter in the air. The laughter is no sign of disrespect to the deceased or to the mourners; rather, it is a testament to the life of the deceased, which was full of good times as well as bad. The tears you see at a wake come from the crushing sorrow of grief; the laughter comes from the joy of celebrating the unique life and gifts of person who died.

Funeral Wakes in the 21^st Century

Most American wakes today are held at funeral homes, although mourners may assemble at the family home afterward for food and drinks. A typical wake includes some sort of memorial service, which may be very casual or a more formal religious ceremony. Even a religious wake is less formal than most funerals, however.

Most guests arrive early in order to spend a moment speaking with close family members of the deceased and offering condolences. In the moments before the service begin, guests may also sign the guest register, and then pause before the casket in a moment of silent prayer before taking their seats.

Certain elements are common to most wakes. The service may be led by a member of the clergy, the funeral director, or a close friend or relative. Music and readings of prayers, poems, and other inspirational texts help mourners to reflect on the life of the deceased. If it is a religious service, the minister or rabbi may deliver a sermon that focuses on the deceased’s faith and the promise of an afterlife.

The wake may also include spontaneous, casual sharing among mourners. One by one, friends and family members take the floor to tell a story or convey their feelings about the deceased.

Your Wake Stories

As we become more comfortable talking about death, we tend to seek more meaning in our wake and funeral rituals. Today’s wakes are often very personal occasions that reflect the beliefs, interests, and personality of the deceased. Do you have a memorable wake story to share?

With one big difference. Now, when you come home at the end of the day, you face the silence alone. You didn’t think it could get any worse then the mind-numbing grief you felt immediately following your loss, but now here you are in a quiet, empty house, wondering if this is all there is.

Loneliness: The Worst Part of Grief

Men and women who are widowed or divorced tell us that loneliness is the worst part of losing their spouse or partner. The same holds true for single parents who have a lost a child or a beloved pet. Prior to your loss, your life was devoted to your loved one. Now you wonder what you’ll do with yourself – you may even wonder who you are without your loved one.

Loneliness vs. Being Alone

But there is hope. It’s important to understand the distinction between loneliness and being alone. Being alone is the reality of your existence now; loneliness, on the other hand, is a state of mind, and you can overcome it.

We all know perfectly happy people who live alone. Perhaps they simply enjoy the solitude, or perhaps their lives are so full with people, things, and activities, they don’t even stop to think about being alone. They have learned to be at peace with themselves – and you can be, too.

The first step is to recognize and acknowledge your own loneliness, and then accept the fact that this is a temporary situation. As you work through your grief, you will find meaningful ways to fill your life. The answers aren’t the same for every person, but here are some actions you can take to shed your loneliness and adjust to your new life alone.

Actions to Overcome Loneliness

• Learn to like yourself. When all is said and done, you are your own best friend. If your self-esteem needs a boost, consider talking to a counselor or asking your doctor or pastor to recommend some good reading to help you through this difficult time. Look for books on how to care for yourself or re-parent yourself. You can do this.
• Help others. Helping others is a sure-fire way to forget your own problems. Although nothing will bring back your loved one, you can find meaning in life by caring for others. Consider volunteering time with your favorite charity or helping a sick or elderly neighbor with household chores.
• Prayer and journaling. If you believe in a Higher Power, prayer can bring amazing comfort and peace. Writing is another way to discover and express your feelings, and keep a journal is not only cathartic, but will also help you see how far you’ve come as time goes by.
• Seek out people with similar interests. People who are lonely often talk about how hard it is to meet someone, and that’s true – if you’re trying to meet “someone.“ But the world is full of wonderful, interesting people, and they’re pretty easy to find. Many of them congregate in groups based on common interests. Church groups, block clubs, reading circles, political organizations, adult education classes, bowling leagues – the list goes on and on. Find a group that interests you, and finds ways to participate in and contribute to the activities of the group. Focus on what you can do for the group, and friendships are sure to follow.
• Create an action plan. As you adapt to this new life, there will be good days and bad days. You can prepare for the bad days by making a list of all the things want to do: garden or household projects, lunches with friends, trips to the museum, books you want to read – anything that gives you pleasure. Refer to this list when you’re feeling lonely and don’t know what to do with yourself, and take action to help yourself feel better.

Share Your Strategy for Coping

Do you have a secret strategy for coping with loneliness? Please consider sharing your thoughts and experience to help others.

How did the family know whom to call? Simple. Mr. XYZ’s family had been in the funeral business for generations and had handled the arrangements for all of the deceased’s relatives who had died over the years. In fact, everyone in the neighborhood and the entire congregation at church called Mr. XYZ when a loved one died.

But that, as they say, was then, and this is now, and the way we bury our dead has changed. Even the simple task of choosing a funeral director has become more complex.

For one thing, families no longer stay in the same community, generation after generation. Today, as younger generations reach adulthood and leave the nest, they are just as likely to settle and start their own families in remote locations across the country and even around the world. At the same time, more and more locally owned funeral homes are being absorbed by large funeral service corporations.

So, if you’re living far from your home town and haven’t establish the same strong ties in your new community that you knew in your youth, what’s the best way to go about selecting a funeral home and funeral director? What may seem like a daunting challenge becomes much easier if you know what to look for and what questions to ask.

The following tips will help to guide you in your choice, but keep in mind that, if possible, it’s best to shop for a funeral director before you have an actual need – the grief-filled hours and days immediately following the death of a loved one are not the best time to make important business decisions.

Choosing a Funeral Director
Choosing a funeral director is about professionalism, personality, and relationship. Because the funeral director will work closely with you and your family during an emotional and painful time, you’ll need someone you can relate to and trust.

Most funeral directors choose their professions because they are highly motivated to help others, and thus you can rely on them for empathy and compassion. Ideally you should spend some time talking with a prospective funeral director to ensure that his or her personality is compatible with your needs.
If you have special concerns or a desire for non-traditional services, be sure to raise those topics in your discussion with the funeral director now, in order to avoid conflict later.

Choosing a Funeral Home
One of the major concerns in choosing a funeral home is cost. When you contact a funeral home to gather information, ask for a copy of their General Price List. This will help you compare prices with other funeral homes and select only those goods and services you want and need, within your budget.

Beyond cost, the next thing to consider is the facility itself. If this is your first encounter with a funeral home, ask friends, neighbors, or coworkers if they’ve had any experience with the funeral home and what their impressions were. If you attend church, consider asking your minister what he or she knows about the funeral home.

Here are some other important points to note as you compare funeral homes.

Location
Look for a funeral home that’s in a safe neighborhood, within reasonable driving distance to the church and/or cemetery. You’ll also want a funeral home that’s easy to reach, centrally located for local family and friends, and close to lodging for out-of-town family members who will come to pay their respects.

Building and grounds
Inside, look for cleanliness and comfortable seating. If you have a large family or if the deceased had many friends, be sure to choose a funeral home with rooms large enough to accommodate all the people you’re expecting. Again, discuss any concerns you may have with the funeral director. Although individual rooms may appear too small, most funeral home viewing rooms feature moveable walls that can be opened to combine one or more rooms if necessary. Also, check for an adequate number of rest rooms, and if you have family members with disabilities, be sure the funeral home’s facilities are completely accessible.

Outside, look for adequate parking space. If on-site parking is limited, ask the funeral director where additional parking is located. Also, take note of the building’s exterior and grounds. They should be clean, well lighted, and well maintained.

Staff
Take a moment to speak to any funeral home staff you encounter during your visit. These are the people who will support you and your family during the wake and funeral, so look for courtesy, warmth, and responsiveness.

Your Experience
Have you had recent experience in choosing a funeral home or funeral director? Can you offer any additional suggestions on what to look for?

- Bill Cosby

If this quote makes you smile, you must know a father like mine: selfless and wise, strong and sensitive – loving and loved beyond words. Regardless of physical stature, a father is a giant among men. And when a father dies, he leaves a hole the size of Texas in the hearts of his children.

An Orphan Is an Orphan at Any Age

No matter how old you are when it happens, your father’s death is a defining moment, catapulting you into adulthood in an instant. Although I was a mother of two when my dad died, I felt like a lost little girl. Outwardly, I was the competent adult – thanking the doctors and nurses who cared for Dad, handling arrangements, greeting visitors, making sure Mom was okay. But inside, a little girl’s voice cried: “What will we do now? What will become of us? Daddy!”

Grief is personal, and no two people grieve in the same way. A child or adolescent may feel bewildered, frightened, and abandoned, not only because he lost the dad who represented security, stability, and love, but also because other significant adults may be emotionally unavailable to the child as they struggle with their own sorrow. If your father died when you were very young, you may find yourself revisiting your loss at various stages of your life. Even years after your father died, you will miss his presence with each passing milestone.

These days especially, if you are a young adult in your 20s when your dad dies, you may still be living at home as you work to establish your independence. In addition to your emotional loss, you may face the loss of financial or other material support from your father.

In your 30, 40s, and 50s, the loss of your father may hit especially hard, forcing you to confront your own mortality for the first time. At the same time, the demands of career and family may constrain your ability to grieve fully and freely.

If you are blessed to reach your 60s or 70s before your dad dies, you may be surprised that letting go of him is no easier than it would have been decades earlier. Well-meaning but misguided friends may say things like, “At least he lived a long, full life,” but you know that even after all these years, he died much too soon. Those extra years only reinforced how much you counted on your dad to always be there for you.

Coping With Your Loss

So how does one cope with the loss of a hero? Grieving takes time, but healing will come. Still, as long as you live, you will miss the Dad you loved so much – the one who taught you how to ride a bike, throw a fastball, change a tire. The one who led by example, showing you how to live a life of faith and service to others. The one who let you know that no matter what happened, no matter where you were or what you were doing, there was always someone back home who loved you unconditionally.

How do you cope with a loss like that?

As with any loss, you may experience a flood of intense emotions in the weeks and months following your father’s death. Grief demands that you step back, slow down, and allow yourself to feel those feelings. Listen to your heart and your body. Take time when you need it, and seek the support of others. No matter how young or old you may be when your dad dies, you father’s death is one of the most significant losses you’ll face in your lifetime. Give yourself the time and space to heal.

Honor Thy Father

As the acute pain of early grief subsides, your intense sorrow will give way to an occasional quiet pang of remembrance and longing. Now you can turn your energy to honoring your father, rather than mourning his loss. You can make the world a better place by passing on the wisdom and skills your father gave to you.

• Teach a child a skill your dad taught you.
• Prepare your father’s favorite meal and share it with friends and family.
• Play your father’s favorite music and feel his presence.
• Share defining stories about your father with your children and other people in your life.

What If You Were Estranged From Your Father?

Sadly, children and their fathers are sometimes at odds, and sometimes those conflicts last well into the child’s adulthood. If you were estranged from your father when he died, you may have a very different view of his death. In a future post, we’ll talk about finding closure in the face of such a grief.

Tell Us About Your Dad

Please take a few minutes to tell us about your dad. If he is alive, tell us what makes him special; if your dad has passed on, tell us how you coped with your grief.