Debunking The Five Stages of Grief

When people are stricken with grief, they undergo different stages that affect them in many ways. Knowing about the five stages of grief will help people deal with the pain better.

  • Stage 1: Denial and Isolation: Denial is the very first thing a person experiencing grief has to cope with. This period can last anywhere from only a few moments to quiet a long time. When someone can’t cope with the thought of their loved one having passed away, they can deny it ever happened. They may also isolate themselves and turn away their friends and family.
  • Stage 2: Anger: Next, a person feels intense anger that may be uncontrollable. They can be angry at the person who died, the person who caused the death, the world, or even God for letting their loved one pass away. People also end up feeling angry at themselves for not preventing it, whether the situation is in their control or not.
  • Stage 3: Bargaining: Next comes a period of time when someone tries to bargain with God, offering up “deals” in an attempt to take away their loss.
  • Stage 4: Depression: Then, depression sets in. They begin to feel numb to the world around them. Losing interest in things, they cannot enjoy the activities they used to love, preferring to hide in their shells. Other emotions remain underneath the depression. This period can go on for a very long period of time. If unchecked, it may even require medical intervention.
  • Stage 5: Acceptance: After going through all the previous steps, they come to acceptance. Finally coming to terms with their loss, they accept that there’s really nothing they could do to prevent the outcome. While other emotions may remain, the healing process has begun.

Those are the five stages of grief that most people assume that they will have to go through, one stage after another. However, that’s not true for everyone. In fact, many people experience only a few stages and they may experience the stages out of order. The most commonly skipped state is denial because many people know, logically, that their loved one is really gone. Some people only feel anger or depression while they grieve.

Grief also passes over into everyday lives, and people experience it throughout their day, without even realizing it. Some people feel guilty for things they wouldn’t have felt guilty about before their loved one’s death. They also feel explosive anger over situations that don’t warrant it because the anger of grief is seeping into their life. The depression from dealing with grief is the most common stage to seep into everyday life. People lose interest in friends and activities because they’re still trying to cope with their grief.

We may experience the stages of grief on a day-to-day basis with things that have nothing to do with loss. Sometimes we react that way due to frustration or disappointment. For instance, if you are stuck in traffic and are late for an appointment, you may experience the five stages of grief. You'll first be in denial ("This traffic won't last, I'll be there in no time."); next, you may feel anger towards the other drivers; then you may start bargaining ("If I get there in time, I promise I'll..."); after that, depression sets in ("I can't believe I'm going to be so late - this is awful."); and finally, accepting that the traffic is not going to go away. The five stages are not reserved for death and extreme grief.

Counselors describe grief as the “natural process of reacting to a loss.” It’s the period of time in which someone is mourning the loss of someone that they love. It’s also the period of time where someone learns to live without their loved one. Here is a list of links to help people to better deal with grief.